The Buffy Horror T.V. Show
by Magenta1
Summary: Buffy, Spike and the rest of the scoobies rent The Rocky Horror Picture Show. They get sucked into it by one of Willow's spells, and lots of madness insues. Old characters brought back. PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! New chapers wi be added, so come back to read
1. Getting Sucked into Rocky Horror

Subj:
**The 1st part of my fanfic (it's fixed, Laurnen)**

Date:
11/25/01 9:13:41 AM Eastern Standard Time

From:
Lizzydizy1

To:
AmandaB9@aol.com, LALF37@aol.com
  
  
The Buffy Horror T.V. Show  
  
Cast:  
Buffy- Herself and Janet  
Xander- Himself and Brad  
Spike- Himself and Riff Raff  
Willow- Herself and Columbia  
Anya- Herself  
Angel- Frank N Furter  
Giles- Himself and The Narrator  
Drucilla- Magenta  
Oz- Eddie/ Dr. Scott  
Rocky- Riley  
  
Note: The reader should be familiar with both Buffy the Vampire Slayer and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  
The characters wil sometimes be themselves and sometimes be the Rocky Horror character they are portraying. You will know the difference by the names they call each other. Won't apply too much to 1st part of story.  
The same warnings and explantions of other fan fiction applies, yatta yatta.  
ENJOY!  
  
Scene 1: At Buffy and Willow's apartment.  
  
Buffy: Boy, am I glad we decided on having a movie night instead of going out.   
Willow: I know. It's raining cats and dogs outside. Well, it could be...  
Buffy: Willow, don't even go there. I like my rain wet, not furry.  
Willow: Just saying. Where's Xander and Anya?  
Buffy: Oh, Xander went to rent the movie and Anya is buying popcorn and candy.  
Willow: Oh. Where's Dawn?  
Buffy: She's at her friend's house. For REAL this time. I already called to double check.  
Willow: Oh, that's good.  
(Loud bang outside of the house)  
Willow: What was that? (Goes to the door to check it out) Xander, is that you?  
Xander: Ow, yeah. This package weighs a ton.  
(Buffy comes to the door and helps Xander carry it in)  
Buffy: I thought you were just renting a video.  
Xander: I was, but the guy at the video store told me that it was more fun watching when using props and dressing up. Audience Participation or something.  
(Door is pushed opened by one pissed off Spike)  
Spike: No you ninny, you use that stuff when you go to see it in the actual movie theater.  
Buffy: (In a very sarcastic tone) Oh, I'm so glad that you're here to join us.  
Spike: You were last night.   
Buffy: Look, what was done is done.  
Spike: Oh, very convincing. This must be the 100th time you've said that.  
(Xander interupts)  
Xander: Okay, not going to ask and assume we're talking about patroling.  
Willow: Um, where's Anya?  
Xander: I don't know. I thought she came back already. Should we start the movie without her?  
Willow: Um, what movie is it, anyway?  
Spike: The Rocky Horror Picture Show, of course. What other movie uses props like these and audience participation?  
Buffy: Oh, I've never seen it.  
Spike: You mean to tell me that you're a Rocky Horror virgin? I suppose the rest of you have never seen it either. Great for some "ideas," if you know what I mean.  
(Willow has already looked in the video bag)  
Willow: From the looks of it, it looks, um, unique.  
Xander: If you want, I can get another video.  
Spike: No, that won't be necessary. Rocky Horror is an excellent movie for a dark, stormy night. Especially with such (looks at Buffy and speaks with a hint of sarcasim in his voice) a lively group.  
Buffy: Well, who said you could join us?  
Spike: Already here. Might as well stay.  
Willow: Forget about the movie for a second. I'm getting worried about Anya. Maybe I'd better do a location spell.  
(Buffy and Xander speak at the same time)  
No! No more spells.  
Willow: Okay, I won't use magic! It's not like all my spells turn out to be disasters.  
Xander: Not even gonna comment.  
(Banging on the door followed by a loud shriek)  
Anya: Guys, let me in!  
(Buffy rushes to door and lets Anya in)  
Buffy: What took you so long? We were getting worried.  
Anya: I was walking here, when I saw a rabid bunny outside. It chased me and made me drop the groceries. I spent an hour trying to ditch it. Then, I had to go and buy more food.  
Ooooo, we're watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show? I remember seeing it in the theater.  
Spike: Can you believe that none of them have ever even seen it?  
Anya: Oh, that's too bad. Xander, you can learn a lot from this movie if you know what I mean.  
Xander: Okay, now I'm offically disturbed. I think I understand everything that's going on. You know what? I'll go pop the popcorn.  
Anya: No, it's okay honey. I wouldn't want you to miss any of the movie. You guys can start it while I pop the popcorn.  
(Xander groans)  
Spike: Alright, now let the show begin.   
  
Scene 2: After they finish the movie.  
  
Buffy: That was, interesting.  
(Spike sneers)  
Spike: Learn anything, pet?  
(Xander groans)  
Xander: Anya, I want you to know that I love you and will try many things, but fishnets are out.  
Spike: (Very sarcastic) Oh, that a shame. The thought of you in fishnets really turns me   
on.  
Buffy: I bet it does.  
Spike: You know, fishnets would make your legs look incredibly sexy.  
Buffy: Yeah, and I'm sure they'd have the same affect on you.  
Xander: Okay, mental picture out of my head. I don't think I've been as disturbed since that mental image of Willow and Oz playing Mistress of Pain.  
(Awkward silence. Everyone stares at him)  
Xander; Did I just say that outloud?  
Willow: Yes you did.  
Xander: Oh. Dammit, Willow.  
Willow: Dammit Janet.  
Xander: Great, now I'm quoting from Rocky Horror.  
Willow: I really enjoyed it, actually. Don't Dream It, Be It. Wow, I think I may have a new favorite movie.  
Buffy: You were right Anya. It's always the quiet ones.  
Willow: I'm serious. In fact we all could relate to these characters. Hey, that gives me an idea.  
Buffy: Don't even go there.  
Willow: Relax, it's just a tiny, harmless spell. All it does it observe everybody's personalities and designate them with the character they are the most like.  
Xander: I don't know.  
Willow: Trust me, it'll be fun.  
Spike: Yeah, Xander. I bet he's afraid he'll be the most like Brad.  
Anya: Spike does have a point.  
Xander: Okay, I am so not like Brad. First of all, I'm straight.  
Spike: Come on Xander, don't be in denial.  
(Xander ignores comment)  
Xander: Second of all, I'm way cooler than Brad. Tighty whiteys? Come on. Third of all, I don't wear glasses.  
(Spike rolls his eyes)  
Spike: Whatever you say, Bra... I mean Xander.  
Anya: You know what guys? I'm going to pop some more popcorn.  
(She leaves the living room and goes to the kitchen)  
(By this time, Willow has already found the spell that she wants)  
Buffy: No, don't!  
Willow: Sorry Buffy, but I really want to do this.  
Allow us to see which character is most like me  
Include our past, whatever you desire to cast  
Show us the way...   
(The T.V. becomes blurry, and Spike, Willow, Xander and Buffy are sucked in. Anya is still in the kitchen)  
Anya: Guys? Hey guys, did I miss something? Hey, Rocky Horror is on again. Might as well watch it.  
  
Scene 3: The Wedding  
(The characters of "Brad and Janet" are at their best friend's wedding. However, they are now being portrayed by Xander and Buffy)  
  
Xander: What are we doing here?  
Buffy: (In a scared voice) I don't know.  
(Anya chokes on her popcorn)  
Anya: Oh no, Willow must have done her spell, and it sucked them into the movie. I wonder if they'll become the characters of Brad and Janet or just be in the same situations as themselves.   
Xander: Buffy, how the hell did we get here?  
Buffy: I guess it was... wait, I forgot.  
(Xander bumps into a tree)  
Xander; Ow, I can't see anything.  
Buffy: Here, put these on. (Gives him a big, thick pair of glasses)  
Xander: Thanks. Hey Janet?  
Buffy: Yes Brad?  
Xander: I've got something to say.  
Buffy; Uh huh?  
Xander: I really love the skillful way you beat the other girls to the bride's bouquet.  
Buffy: Oh, Brad.  
(The song continues while Anya watches)  
Anya: Hey, that's my future husband! You can't propose to Buffy. Watch out, here I come! (She jumps into the T.V. just when the song ends and the narrator begins to speak)  
  
Scene 4: The Narrator's Office  
Anya: Damn, just missed them. (See's a door in the narrator's office and tries to open it, but it won't open. She sits grumpily on the floor.)  
Anya: This sucks! It's bad enough that Xander proposed to Buffy, but now I won't even be able to have sex and orgies with everyone at the mansion. I don't even have a character! I'm stuck with the narrator until I can find a way out of here. Wait a second, who's the Narrator? Is it the real one or whoever we know most like him? Uh oh....  
(Giles enters the room with a book)  
Giles: Anya, what are we doing here?  
Anya: Willow did a spell that caused all the people we have known or know to become the Rocky Horror character we're most like or something like that.  
Giles- Oh great, not another spell!  
Anya- Giles, what do we do?  
Giles- I don't know, I honestly don't know.  
Anya- Great, just great. Giles? (no response). Hey, Giles?  
Giles- I would like, if I may to take you on a strange journey. It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors and his fiancee, Janet Weiss, two young, ordinary healthy kids, left Denton that late november evening to visit a Dr. Everett Scott, ex. tutor and now friend to both of them. It's true, there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black and embulous to all of which they were driving. It's true also that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air, but they being normal kids and on a night out. Well, they weren't going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. On a night out, it was a night out they were going to remember for a very long time.  
(Anya groans)  
  
(To be continued)  



	2. Discovering

Scene 6: Back in the Narrator's Office

__

(We find Giles narrating while Anya watches the T.V. She is getting bored of audience participation fast and wants to get out of there. She wants to get Giles to remember who he is and help her.)

Giles: And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet and that they had found the assistance that their plight required. ...Or had they?

Anya: Shut up, Giles!

Giles: Who is this man you speak of. I am a criminalogist named.... um, named um...... oh G-d, I don't have a name!

Anya: Don't be an idiot! Everyone has a name. Yours is Giles. Say Giiiiillllleeees.

Giles: Hey, I may have no neck (rocky horror joke) but I am able to prononce Giles.

(Feels his neck.)

Oh my G-d, I have a neck! Maybe what you're saying is true.

Anya: It is. Now, you are a watcher. Well, you used to be. Buffy is the slayer, Xander is my fiancee, Willow is our friend and Spike is, well he's, um..... He's a vampire who can't hurt people because of a chip in his head who has nothing better to do but follow Buffy around. (Pants for breath). Oh and by the way, I'm an ex demon who's afraid of bunnies.

Giles: Yes, I'm beginning to remember.

Anya: So now do you believe me?

Giles: Not really, but we can discuss it after I'm done narrating.

Anya: Dammit! (Thinks for a minute). Hey Giles or narrator dude or whoever the hell you want to be called, what happens when the movie ends?

Giles: What movie?

Anya: The one you're in right now!

Giles: We're not in a movie. This is my job.

Anya: Yeah, perfectly normal to be talking to a camera about something that happened 25 years ago!

Giles: What! 25 years? Oh my... That would mean we're in the year 2000.

Anya: Well 2001, but who's counting? Once you've reached 1000 years old, you begin to loose track of time. (Continues to watch T.V.)

  
Scene 7: Spike's Monologue

(Back in the castle, Spike is roaming around doing the butler chores of Riff Raff. However, it doesn't take him too long to drop the broom and look out of the window. He sings his little solo in "There's A Light," and goes downstairs)

Spike (muttering to himself): Hmmm, looks like we have visitors. Oh, shit, I think they're earthlings. That means that the master's going to have some new playmates. Lucky bastard. It's not like he doesn't have enough fun screwing around with Columbia and his creations, but to do so with my sister, well..... I'll get him back. Maybe I'll have a little fun. (Looks out of downstairs window and sees Buffy and Xander. This gives him an idea.) Hmmm, I know! These earthlings would be the perfect distraction! Then I can get my sister, Magenta and we can kill that notorious Frank N Furter once and for all!

(Looks out of window once more)

Hmmm, those earthlings look awfully familiar. Oooo, the blond one is a hottie. Very hot. Okay, new plan. Screw the blond and have that guy with her go up to the lab and keep Frank busy. Then, I can lock her up in a cage, kill Frank and everyone else other than my sister and then we'll go back to our planet. The blond can be our sex bunny. Sounds good.

(Thinks again)

Wait a minute, there's a reason why they look familiar....

(Starts to remember everything that happened)

Jesus, Willow's spell! This means that I'm stuck as Riff Raff until we get out of here. Wait, do the others realize what happened?

(Sees Willow tap dancing in the other room. Then, he looks outside and sees Buffy and Xander holding hands and skipping)

No, I guess not. I guess only creatures of darkness remain immune. Well, this means that Buffy can't slay! She's completely helpless. Oooooo! I wonder, does my chip still work?

(He goes into the room where Willow is tap dancing and pushes her. She yells at him to watch it. His head doesn't feel any pain)

Yes, yes, yes! Thank you Willow! Hey, I wonder what happened to Anya.

(Anya's watching on T.V. and had heard everything)

Anya: I'm right here, you putz!

(Spike hears Anya)

Oh bloody hell! Her screaming will give me enough of a headache. Aw well, she can't do anything else. Operation "Get Revenge on Buffy and Eat Some Humans" is now starting.

Nothing will get in my way!

(Drusilla walks in the room)

Hey, Drusilla. (Thinks for a second). Drusilla!

Drusilla: Who's Drusilla, my pet? Is that another one of the master's conquests.

Spike: Um, no love. Just a name I heard of on T.V.

Drusilla: Hey, the master's busy preparing for his creation. Do you want to go do something naughty?

(Spike thinks for a second. He decides to play along and pretend to be Riff Raff for now, for as long as she wasn't reminded of her true identity, she'd think she was Magenta.)

Spike: Oh, don't you know it baby. (The doorbell rings.)

Damn, it's the bell. Hey, we can pick up on this later.

Drusilla: Alright, Riffy. (Leaves the room)

Spike: This is perfect! I'll get revenge on Drusilla as well! Ooooooo, it just doesn't get any better than this.

(Doorbell rings once more)

Well, I guess I'd better go play butler. Oh Buffy, you have no idea what's in store for you!

Anya: I bet I can guess (groans)

(To be continued.) 


	3. Time Warp

Scene 8: Entering the Castle and The Time Warp: 

__

Note to reader: Spike doesn't remember EVERYTHING that happened in the movie exactly. This causes problems for him, for he doesn't want anyone to remember who they really are until he's "done" with them.

Also, the chorus is being sung by the people of Sunnydale. This is important later in the story.

(Spike goes to the door. Outside are soaking wet Buffy and Xander)

Spike: (echo) Hello.

Xander: Hi! My name is is Brad Majors and this is my fiancee Janet Weiss.

Spike: (mutters to himself) I knew he'd be Brad.

Xander: Excuse me sir, but what are you talking about?

Spike: Oh, nothing. (Smirks)

Xander: Anyway, I wonder if you could help us. You see, our car broke down a few miles up the road... do you have a phone we might use?

Spike: (Is getting bored) Yeah, yeah. You're wet, I think you perhaps better both come inside and all of that crap.

Xander and Buffy: Huh?

Spike: Oh bloody hell, never mind. Just come in already.

Buffy: (Speaks with a hint of fear in her voice) You're too kind.

(The two enter the castle. They are cold and uncomfortable)

Buffy: Oh Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this?  
Xander: Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.

Spike: This way. (Bumps into a statue.) Ow! No, I guess not. (Remembers which way Riff Raff went in the movie and leads them to the staircase.)

Buffy: (Whispers to Xander) This handyman is strange.

Xander: Nonsense, Janet. He must be a foreigner. Their ways are different from ours, dear.

Spike: (Mutters) No shit, Sherlock.

Janet: Are you having a party?  
Spike: (Gets back into character) You've arrived on a very special night. It's one of the  
master's affairs.   
Janet: Oh... lucky him.  
Spike: (Thinks to himself) Lucky me!  
Drusilla: (Slides on banister downstairs) You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! ha ha ha ha  
Spike: (Mutters to himself) Oh yeah, forgot about that part. Oh crap, the Time Warp's coming. Uh oh, I better remember the words.

  
THE TIME WARP  
  
Spike: It's, um, um, 

Anya: (Screaming from narrator's office) Astounding, you nitwit!

Spike: Oh, right. It's astounding;   
Time is fleeting;   
Madness takes its toll.   
But listen closely...  
Drusilla: Not for very much longer.  
Spike: I've got to, um...

Anya: Get a life!

Spike: Get a life. No wait, that's not right! (Thinks to himself) Just keep going, Spike. No one notices. Oh yeah, now I remember. I don't need Anya's help. I can do this on my own!

(Continues song)

Keep control

(Sings in a monotone voice, the complete opposite of the Riff Raff in the movie) 

I remember doing the time warp  
Drinking those moments when  
The blackness would hit me  
And a void would be calling...  
Chorus: Let's do the time warp again.  
Let's do the time warp again.  
Giles: It's just a jump to the left.  
Anya: Please G-d, not Giles! I don't think I can bear it.

All: And then a step to the right.  
Giles: With your hands on your hips.   
All: You bring your knees in tight.  
But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane.  
Let's do the time warp again.  
Let's do the time warp again.  
(Drusilla's solo starts)

Drusilla: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.  
So you can't see me, no, not at all.  
In another dimension,  
with voyeuristic intention,  
Well secluded,  
I see all.

(Music stops. She starts laughing uncontrolably)

Mwah ha ha ha. The stars are all shining right in front of me, but they all are the same. Oh, the stars. (Starts to spin very fast)

Spike: Um, love. Love? (No response) Magenta darling, that's enough.

Drusilla: Oh, sorry Riff.

(Song continues.)   
Spike: With a bit of a mind flip  
Drusilla: You're into the time slip.   
Spike: And nothing can ever be the same.  
Drusilla: You're spaced out on sensation.  
Spike: Like you're under sedation.  
[Buffy faints. Xander catches her, and Spike laughs]  
All: Let's do the time warp again.  
Let's do the time warp again.  
(Willow comes out dressed in black shorts, a sequin, rainbow, sleeveless top, tap shoes, a gold, glittery jacket and a gold, glittery top hat) 

Willow: (Voice very squeaky and high) 

Well I was walking down the street just having a think  
When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.  
He shook me up, he took me by surprise  
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.  
He stared at me and I felt a change.  
Time meant nothing, never would again.  
All: Let's do the time warp again.

Let's do the time warp again.  
Giles: It's just a jump to the left.  
All: And then a step to the right.  
Giles: With your hands on your hips.   
All: You bring your knees in tight.  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
That really drives you insane.  
Let's do the time warp again.  
Let's do the time warp again.  
(Willow tap-dances and like Columbia, falls on her ass. She slams her hat on her head and stamps away)   
All: Let's do the time warp again.  
Let's do the time warp again.  
Giles: It's just a jump to the left. 

Anya: Oh no, not the desk! Anything but the desk. (Giles goes on the desk to narrate.) Ug, this can't get worse  
All: And then a step to the right.  
Giles: With your hands on your hips.   
All: You bring your knees in tight.  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
that really drives you insane.

Anya: G-d, I apologize. Seeing Giles doing the pelvic thrust tops him climbing on his desk.  
Let's do the time warp again.  
Let's do the time warp again.

(Everyone collapses on the floor. Spike forgot about this part, but then realizes it and falls on the ground 5 seconds after everyone else has fallen. All except Xander and Buffy.   
Buffy: (Whispers) Brad, say something.   
Xander: Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison?   
(Buffy groans after this comment, for even her character realizes what a putz "Brad" can be)

Buffy: Brad, please, let's get out of here.  
(Spike cuts off Xander's line, for he thinks it's his.)

Spike: For christ sake, Buf... I mean Janet. It's just a party.

(A voice comes from upstairs. It sounds very familiar.)

Voice: Hey, Spike. Not too familiar with the Rocky Horror script, eh?

Spike: Of course I am. I'm just not too familiar with the exact lines. 

(Pauses for a second)

Oh my G-d, it's you!

(To be continued)


	4. Sweet Angel

Scene 9: Questions for the Vampire

(Spike looks around, not knowing where the voice is coming from. All he knows is who it is, and it sounds evil)

Spike: Angel, is that you?

Angel: No, it's your mother. G-d Spike, don't ask such stupid questions.

Spike: I thought so. You're evil again, aren't you.

Angel: (Sarcasm) Very good, Spikey! Here, go fetch yourself a little human snack. Oh yeah, that's right. You can't kill anyone.

Spike: Oh really?

(He grabs one of the people singing in the chorus and drags them into the room Spike and Angel were talking in and has himself a little snack)

Spike: Wow, I had almost forgotten how good it tasted.

(Angel laughs evilly. He then takes out something that looks like a remote control. Time freezes. Only Angel and Spike are unaffected)

Spike: I don't remember Frank N Furter being able to do that.

Angel: Oh, he could turn people into statues with his Sonic Transducer. He could also freeze time with it.

Spike: So, you now have the knowledge of Frank?

Angel: What makes you say I'm Frank.

Spike: Well, the heels and fishnets kind of are a dead give away. Besides, the part of Dr. Scott is so not you.

Angel: Well, you're correct. I'm supposed to be Frank N Furter.

Spike: (Asks in a menacing tone) Have you ever seen the end of the movie, Angel?   
Angel: Of course not. By that time, everyone's all having orgies together.

Spike: (mumbles to himself) Yeah, that's what I had hoped.

Angel: What?

Spike: Oh, nothing. Say, how'd you remember who you really are? And how'd you loose your soul again?

Angel: Oh, I saw you bump into the statue, and it all came back to me.

Spike: Oh. (Thinks for a second) How come Drusilla doesn't remember who she is?

Angel: Because she's insane. She'll just go with the flow. 

Spike: Oh. And what about the humans.

Angel: Needn't worry about them. Something casual like screwing up lines won't cause them to remember. Something (searches for the right word) "traumatic" must happen to trigger their memory.

Spike: Hello? Something traumatic DOES happen to them. Ever see the movie?

Angel: Quite frankly...(laughs at his own corny joke). Quite frankly Spike, I don't like your attitude. Never the less, I'll let you in on the plan.

Spike: What plan?

Frank: Operation eat and torture all the humans in the chorus. You see how many of them their are?

Spike: Yeah. 1000's of them.

Angel: All for the taking.

Spike: Yeah. Now, what do you want with me?

Angel: To keep quiet. Don't remind them of who they are until I'm ready.

Spike: And if I refuse?

Angel: Then I'll kill Drusilla. Oh that's right, she dumped you. Maybe there's someone else. Someone else who you love...

Spike: (Sounds kind of nervous) Um, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Angel: (Continues patronizing Spike) Poor little Spike, in love with someone who doesn't love you back. Oh, what a shame. You see, once you have Angel, you never go back.

(Spike turns into his vampire form and growls. He pushes Angel. He laughs)  
Angel: There's the Spike I knew so many years ago! 

Spike: Yeah, I'm back!

Angel: Okay Spike, here's the plan. We continue to act out the movie right up until the floor show. From there, we imprison all the humans including Buffy and the scoobies. We save them for last. Especially Buffy, for she has tortured the both of us and made us like... Oh can't even say the word.

Spike: Human.

Angel: Yes, that. We'll torture her until every single last human is killed. (Laughs) And that could take months... 

Spike: (Thinks for a second) Okay, sounds good. Except I have some questions. What about "The Creation?" Are we building him?

Angel: Yes, in order to go with the flow of the movie.

Spike: And the fishnets?

Angel: (Looks down at his legs) Oh yeah, I've got to dress like this in order for the humans still to remain clueless. You must be loving it, Spike.

Spike: (Very sarcastic) Oh, how'd you figure me out? Am I that transparent? Oh yeah baby, you've discovered my secret.

Angel: Sarcasm will get you nowhere.

Spike: Oh, you thought I was being sarcastic? (They both laugh)

Spike: Okay, enough of the funnies. What about Buffy? Will she be able to slay if she gets her memory back?

Angel: Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. By that time, she'll be in chains completely helpless.

Spike: (Gets a little too excited when he hears "Buffy" and "Chains" and jumps up and bangs his head on the chandelier)

Yeah, chains! Ow, that really hurt.

Angel: Now, you can have half of the humans and torture Buffy when she's chained up. Do whatever you want with Drusilla. Sleep with her, torture her, I don't care. Just whatever you do, you cannot sleep with Buffy.

Spike: But you can?

Angel: It's in the movie. (Spike glares at him with hate in his eyes)

Hey, I won't enjoy it. (Laughs) Much.

Plus, I also have to sleep with Xander.

(Anya screams from narrator's office)

Anya: No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Xander can't become gay before our wedding.

Angel: Who the hell was that?

Spike: Oh, the ex. Demon. Don't worry, she can't do anything to foil the plan. (Turns to camera, the one that's filming everything; Anya's T.V. shows what's happening with this camera. He winks at her)

Anya: What the... (Thinks for a second) Oh, got you Spike.

Angel: So, ready to unfreeze time?

Spike: Oh, more than ready. Say, what musical number are we up to anyway?

Angel: Sweet Transvestite.

Spike: Well, you better get in that closet, then.

Angel: Elevator.

Spike: Oh, bloody hell! Just get ready.

Angel: You know what? I've got an excellent feeling about this.

Spike: So do I Angel, so do I. 

Scene 10: Sweet Vampire

(Spike goes back to the room he was in and Angel unfreezes time. Everyone in the chorus is standing silently, for they know the great "Frank N Furter" (Angel) is about to answer. Xander and Buffy slowly walk backward from the crowd, for they are scared and deeply disturbed. Their dialogue starts from where they left off. Their backs are facing the elevator.) 

(This time, Spike doesn't interrupt. He's too busy looking for a camera. He has every intention on taking a picture of Angel in makeup, a corset and fishnet stockings.)

Buffy: Brad, please, let's get out of here.  
Xander: For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet.  
Buffy: But it... it seems so unhealthy here.  
Xander: It's just a party, Janet.  
Buffy: Well, I want to go.  
Xander: Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.  
Buffy: Well then ask the butler or someone.  
Xander: Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere  
with their celebration.  
Buffy: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.  
Xander: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own.  
They may do some more... folk dancing.  
Buffy: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared.  
Xander: I'm here - there's nothing to worry about.

Spike: (mutters to himself) That's REAL assuring  


(Buffy turns around and sees the face of Angel. To her and everyone else, it's Frank N Furter. She screams and then faints).  


SWEET TRANSVESTITE:

Angel: How do you do?

Spike: Just fine, thanks.

Angel: (Glares at Spike with true hate in his eyes. He doesn't want anything to go wrong, and Spike's wisecracks and lack of knowledge of the lines infuriate him. However, he's so focused on his contempt toward Spike that he manages to screw up his lines as well. He starts the song again, and hopes for the best.)  
Angel: How do you do, I see you've met my (pauses for a minute, not sure if he wants to use the original word. However, he wants to stick to the script, and uses the one in the movie). "faithful" handyman.

(Spike chuckles)

He's just a little brought down

Because when you knocked  
He thought you were the candyman.  
Spike: Ooooo, we're having a candyman come over!?!?! Yeah! (He bangs his head on the chandelier once more) Okay, now I'm mad! (Spike jumps up and attempts to break the chandelier, but bangs his head once more. He gives up, and is content with making Angel miserable)   
Angel: (Ignores Spike and continues the song)

Don't get strung out by the way I look.

Spike: Don't worry, I'm taking pictures!  
Don't judge a book by its cover. I'm not much of a man by the light of day  
But by night I'm one hell of a lover.   
Spike: Yeah, that's why Drusilla and Buffy left you for me.   
(Angel still goes on with his song, but is having a hard time ignoring Spike anymore, and his face is starting to change)

I'm just a sweet transvestite  
Buffy: Oh my G-d, what's happening to his face?

From Transexual, Transylvania.

(By this time, he has calmed down and his face goes back to "normal" Well, normal for Frank)  
Let me show you around   
Maybe play you a sound.   
You look like you're both pretty groovy.   
Or if you want something visual   
That's not too abysmal,   
Spike: What the hell does abysmal mean?

We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.   
Anya: Who the hell is Steve Reeves?  
Xander: I'm glad we caught you at home,  
Could we use your phone?   
We're both in a bit of a hurry.   
Buffy: Right.   
Xander: We'll just say where we are,  
Then go back into the car.   
We don't want to be any worry.  
Frank: Well you got caught with a flat, well, how 'bout that?  
Well, babies, don't you panic.  
Anya: No, panic, panic!

By the light of the night it'll all seem alright.  
I'll get you a satanic mechanic.   
Spike: Okay, this song is getting old. I don't even understand half the words you're saying. Just get on with it. 

Angel: I would if you stopped interrupting me, you idiot!

(continues with the song)   
I'm just a sweet transvestite  
From Transexual, Transylvania.

Why don't you stay for the night?  
Spike and Drusilla: [echo] Night.  
Angel: Or maybe a (laughs) bite?  
Willow: (She licks her lips in a horny kind of way) Bite.  
Frank: I could show you my favorite obsession.   
Spike: She's already here!

I've been making a man   
With blonde hair and a tan   
And he's good for relieving my....tension  
Spike: I knew you were gay! No decent vampire would go around dressed like that!

Angel: You idiot! I'm gonna kill you and your little bitch! (Freezes time, so the humans don't know what's happening. He, Spike and Drusilla are unaffected)

(Angel and Spike start to wrestle on the floor. Drusilla is laughing hysterically)

Drusilla: Boys, boys. Enough fighting! Finish the song, Angel. From Transexual, Transylvania.  
HIT IT, HIT IT!  
Angel: Wait, how'd you know it was me?

Drusilla: Seeing you and Spike fight like that reminded me of old times. Besides, I had a dream that something like this was going to happen. (Starts spinning around like crazy)

I'm just a sweet transvestite  
Angel: (Grabs Drusilla and twirls her around)

Okay, here's the deal. Spike and I were planning on going along with the movie and then eating the chorus and torturing the Slayer until every last human is dead.

Drusilla: Ooooo, sound like fun! But what about Spike's chip?

Spike: What chip? (He grabs a human and eats them very quickly)   
Drusilla: Yeah! Spike, Spikey, this means

Spike: I'm back again.

Angel: Alright, I'll give you another chance if you shut up.

(Spike rolls his eyes and Drusilla grins. Angel ignores this, and unfreezes time. He continues singing his song.)   
Angel: From Transexual, Transylvania.  
So come up to the lab,   
And see what's on the slab.  
I see you shiver with antici - (pauses for 3 seconds) pation.  
But maybe the rain  
Isn't really to blame.   
So I'll remove the cause.   
But not the symptom.  
(He goes back into the elevator and goes upstairs)  
(applause) (Xander and Janet are given towels by Spike and Drusilla. Spike is standing behind Buffy and Dru behind Xander. He knows what part comes next, and is smiling from ear to ear.)  
Buffy: Thank you.  
Xander: Thank you very much.

Anya: Hell no, you aren't undressing my man!

(Spike grabs the zipper of Buffy's dress and pulls it down very slowly. He then puts his hands on her belt buckle and slowly undoes her belt. He pulls the dress down. He wanted to take her right then and there, but knew it would ruin everything. Instead, he just waits for Drusilla to finish undressing Xander. Buffy is wearing nothing more than a white bra and a white slip.)   
Buffy: Oh! Brad!  
Xander: It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull  
out the aces when the time is right. (Drusilla pulls off his pants)

Anya: No, not the tighty whites!

Willow: Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush.   
Xander: Hi, my name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee,  
Janet Weiss. (Anya cringes when she hears this)  
Willow: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory.  
Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.  
Xander: People like you maybe.  
Willow: Ha! I've seen it.  
(She throws the clothes. Xander grabs a shoe to cover himself.)  
Anya: No, you idiot. Grab a stake, a weapon, anything useful! Anything but a freakin shoe!  
(Spike pours wine into a glass and takes a swig from the bottle.)   
Drusilla: Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.  
Shift it.  
(He doesn't know what to do next. Drusilla motions to him to drop the bottle. He shrugs his shoulders and does so)   
(The elevator goes up, on the way to the lab)  
Buffy: Is he - Frank I mean - is he your husband?  
(Drusilla cracks up)  
Spike: The master is not yet married, nor do I expect he ever will be. We are simply his (groans. He knows what comes next, and can't bear to say it).

Servants. (Glares menacingly in Angel's direction)  
Buffy: Oh.

(The elevator stops, and they are in the lab)

(To be continued)

  



End file.
